Friend #31

Whenever I tell people what I do (teaching at-risk teens more than just reading and writing), many assume that I'm an expert at turning kids around, or "teen whispering" as one person once called it. Although I'm flattered and confident with my ability to communicate with today's difficult teen, it's really just common sense.
Today I met Tammy. Oddly, she was my dental hygienist yet we spent a lot of time talking as I got my teeth cleaned. It all started with a beautiful portrait of my dentist's newborn identical twin girls, Jane and Mary (LOVE the names!) I talked about how I always wanted two girls, but I got two boys. I went on to add that I'll be the aunt to a little girl (Kennedy Marlene, due to make her grand debut September 29th) and that's enough for me. Tammy told me that her sister just had a little girl last week...the second girl in the family among twelve boys. The other niece is what her family calls "The Difficult One." Danielle, Oh, Difficult One, is fifteen years old and hates school. Knowing that I cater to kids who need extra love, Tammy asked me for my advice. Tammy has no children of her own and so Danielle was always her "baby."
"She hates school so much, and it's really hard for her. It's been going on for a long time. In fact, she had to repeat kindergarten and now she's just finishing 8th grade at age 15."
I prodded, "What is she GOOD at? What does she LIKE to do?"
"Well, she's good at complaining, bitching, blaming, sneaking out...when I'm at my sister's house helping her with her homework, she turns into the Hulk."
I repeated, "But what is she GOOD at...other than the negative stuff?" For just meeting Tammy, this conversation was getting deep.
"Um, well, er, she really loves to sing. Anything with music. She wants to be a singer."
That's it! "Get her into music or singing lessons outside of school...like, right now."
Tammy didn't get where I was going. I clarified, "You know how sports help teen boys to focus in school, their coaches take interest in their academics. The same is for music, dance, 4-H, anything outside of school. If Danielle can be confident in just one area of life, she will want to do well in the other areas: family, friends, and academics." I've seen it happen. Really. When children come home with bad grades and a bad attitude, often the first thing to "go" is their favorite extra-curricular activities, since parents assume that the activity is getting too much attention, and that if they take away the activity, the punishment is so severe that the child will try hard to get it back. When a child is screwing up in school AND has no positive activities, they find solace in the wrong crowd, bad activities, and develop into one of those "wrong crowd members." In contrast, when a child screws up in school but still has something to look forward to and feel special in ONE area, it increases their self-esteem and the WANT to do well across the board.
As I got out of the dentist's chair, I urged Tammy to ask her sister to get Danielle into music.
Let's hope Danielle is able to pull herself together at the very young age of 15.